Fix Yourself

So this weekend has been a whirlwind.  

It started off on the Friday night, when one of my housemates asked me if I wanted to go out to a club with her and her coursemates.  The immediate feeling was like a bolt of ice had driven itself through my head and down my throat, but I said yes because I didn’t want to appear rude.  Also I wanted to get drunk and drinking gin in my room wasn’t going to cut it.  

The only thing was that I was anxious enough to start shaking.  I hid in my room under a cover of “I’ll get work done beforehand” and tried not to break down.  I needed to survive being in Sossi’s friends’ house, I couldn’t annoy them because I refuse to spend another year being too scared to cross certain streets or go to certain places or get on certain buses because I annoyed people.  I have to own this city.  

So I got ready, downed a gin and tonic, got a bottle of wine, and we set off.

I’m a bit like Raj from The Big Bang Theory.  He can’t talk to girls unless he’s drinking.  I can’t talk to strangers unless I’m drinking.  I just have deep deep anxiety around annoying people, and alcohol mutes that a little.  

It turned out that when I said I was getting a bottle of wine, my housemates thought it was to share, so I wasn’t nearly as drunk as I wanted to be.  Thankfully one of Sossi’s friends let me have some of her vodka, and I took full advantage of that.  I needed to act like a real human, I couldn’t disappoint Sossi and James and even thinking about this now is giving me the beginnings of an attack so moving on
Several jaegerbombs got me through that night.

On the Saturday I got on a train up to Leeds to see Fall Out Boy, my all time favourite band and saviours.  This was anxiety-inducing for 2 reasons.

  1. Halfway to Leeds, I tweeted about going to the gig.  Two minutes later, I got a frantic call from my friend who had thought that the gig was in two weeks!  Spent the next half hour getting her on a train and on the way up.  
  2. One of my other friends who was coming is my friend from my BA, so she didn’t know the other two.  I was trying really hard to make the trip go smoothly but it was so stressful for me because I didn’t want to disappoint or make anyone feel left out or awkward or arghhhh

But otherwise the gig was awesome and I love my boys.  I also got to meet up with my housemate from my BA on the Sunday, and that was great.  I got her advice on a project that I’m working on which is Very Important And Stressful. I can’t talk about that yet though.

And then of course my mum was on at me like “have you booked counselling yet?”

No

Leave me alone.

Too stressed and anxious and depressed atm soz.  Writing it out isn’t working this time.

Hope everyone’s ok out there 

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