This is a negative ranty post as part of my documentation of my mental health. Feel free to skip it.
So today began terribly. I was supposed to be going into work at 9, but my lift (aka Mum) who works in the main office in the site where the café is was running late because of a doctor’s appointment. No problem, we’re dead anyway, said my boss. Come in at 10.
9:50 and my mum still hadn’t got back from an 8:30 appointment. At this point I was shaking and I couldn’t breathe.
Could I get through to work on the phone? No.
The line was engaged for about 15 minutes, by which point I should have been 5 mins into my shift. When I finally got through, I couldn’t stop crying, but my boss said it was fine and that mum had already called ahead to warn them.
Did she tell me?
I was subject to a lovely panic attack all the way to work, 20 mins away.
My boss then spent all day telling me I shouldn’t be upset, that I wasn’t annoying anybody, that I should have more confidence, and that my eyeliner was halfway down my face.
I have basically survived today by downing mochas.
But there is another war being fought inside my head
I am a very needy person. I crave affection and constant reassurance that I am wanted. I need my illnesses to be acknowledged and for people to validate both them and me. I need to be told that I am worth something.
Mum did acknowledge my anxiety today, and said “I know I keep doing this to you and I know it’s upsetting for you and I’m sorry.”
Most of the time she tells me to stop being so stupid.
On the other hand, I felt like I was walking round work with a massive FRAGILE sticker on my head.
I know I need self confidence, but the fact is that I don’t have any. I can’t do anything about that. And as stupid as it sounds, being told I need to be more confident because I have nothing to worry about actually makes me more anxious. I start to feel guilty for feeling bad. I worry that I’m pissing everyone off even more because I’m so low and negative about myself.
I’m sorry for being negative all the time. I wish I wasn’t.
I’m not strong, not at all. I use up my strength trying to get through life.
To lighten this post up, here is a picture of a bunny in a flower crown: