It’s Monday again! Today’s choice is a bit of a heavy one, so feel free to skip it if it’s not what you’re into. Why not try these cupcakes instead?
Today I took the long train journey back to uni after a relaxing weekend back at home with my dog. And my family, but mainly my dog. I have apparently spent enough money at Pumpkin Café lately to score a free coffee, so I vanilla-latte-d myself up and we were good to go. Or so I thought.
I love train journeys. The rocking of the train is soothing, and I love to go through new towns and imagine what it must be like to walk those roads. It’s like an escape.
And it was. Right until I stepped off the train in the station and I just went cold all over. It was like the air in the station turned grey and smothering and I could feel it pressing down on my head, on my shoulders. Oh well, maybe it was just the change of air going from a long train journey to the open air of the station. I got on the bus and took the familiar trip back to my house. I opened the door, dragged my suitcase through the mess in the kitchen and up to my room, where I closed the door behind me.
And then the weight got heavier and I sat on my bed and tried really hard not to cry because I realised that I had just locked myself in a prison.
It made me realise my dilemma again. My dilemma of “should I just pack in my MA and go home or should I stay”. My dilemma that I feel really shit about having spent a good hour convincing my housemate not to quit her degree last week and it came down to a coin flip. She’s ended up staying.
A coin flip. That’s what her future hung on. Her entire future, her hopes and dreams, and it’s so hypocritical of me to say so but I could never pin mine on something so – well, flippant as a coin toss.
This year has been one of the worst of my life. I realised that at the weekend I was unconsciously seriously considering missing my train and never going back. An MA is fucking hard, and I am seriously doubting my ability to succeed in the translation world – in the world in general, and it’s just swamping me so much. I feel like I’m just floating, untethered to anything in this existence. I feel so detached from everything. I can’t concentrate – but
Pretty much since 6th form I’ve wanted to translate. That’s what I enjoy doing, that’s what’s fun for me. Until I did an MA in it. All the jobs I want to do require one, but there’s so much theory and philosophy and I am so so so shit at it. Especially with a head full of smoke. I just want to translate. But I don’t want to be in translation. Or anything really.
But I made the decision.
I made the decision to do the MA. I made the decision to stick with it. And I made the decision to catch my train and come back.
And I don’t know if that was the right choice but if I quit I’ll be so disappointed in myself. The last 10 months of planning and doing will have been a waste, will have been for nothing, not to mention all the money I’ve already spent on this year. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.
tl;dr: MAs are hard and so is living with depression and anxiety.
hope everyone’s ok out there.